I accepted the role of Catherine Givings in Profile Theatre’s production of vibrator play when I was about 5 months pregnant with my first child, knowing that we would go into rehearsals when the baby would be about six months old.  Catherine was a character unlike most I had ever played and I couldn’t make sense of  her impulsiveness, or her knack for putting her foot squarely in her mouth.  My A-type personality didn’t understand her- and honestly, kind of judged her.  When I thought about the production in the final months of my pregnancy, my primary concern was getting myself back into “corset shape” (whatever that is) and planning on learning all of my lines during my down time while on maternity leave. (Ha. Down time on maternity leave….Ha ha ha ha.)  I figured that would allow me to sort out the character in rehearsal.

The last time I read the play before I actually became a parent was about three weeks before I gave birth.  Woah, wait a minute!  I looked at the play in a whole new light. Yes, the play has vibrators.  And the treatment for hysteria is administered on stage.  But – there was a HUGE piece of the play that I had not been considering!

Catherine and Doctor Givings have a baby.  A new baby.  And the baby is not thriving – Catherine’s breast milk is insufficient.  The baby is wasting away and something must be done.  Catherine is fragile.  She is desperate.  She feels inadequate.

When I gave birth, and in the subsequent foggy weeks of early parenthood, when I got overwhelmed, I found myself thinking “Well, this is good research for vibrator play.”  It is a well worn cliche, but for good reason:  Being a parent is hard!  Especially in the beginning.  Especially if, as with Catherine, something is not right.  The cocktail of sleep deprivation, hormones, joy and terror makes new moms (and dads) raw, and vulnerable to doubt and despair.  I felt all of this (sometimes in repeating five minute cycles – fun!)  And in some of those moments of doubt, I found myself thinking about Catherine.  Her frustration and fear and guilt.

And that was it! I realized that I did have something profound and very, very present in common with this character.

Catherine is lost, she is curious, she is in chaos, she is impetuous and she is open.  Generally speaking, these are not nouns that have been used when talking about me.  I have always been very focused and always ALWAYS have tried to appear to have everything together.  But then….BOOM….Motherhood!  Being a mom has been upending all of those habits of mine every single day.  Suddenly, saying something without thinking (or forgetting your keys in the fridge) doesn’t seem so outside of the realm of possibility.

It is not surprising to me that the playwright had a young child as she was writing the play, and I love knowing that she was just about to have twins as the play opened on Broadway. Motherhood is all over this play.  It is as central a theme as is self discovery, sexuality, marriage or family.  And that is wonderful.  And daunting.  And beautiful.

And very familiar.